tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3898391600279544244.post7365819510399292905..comments2023-04-01T08:18:30.524-03:00Comments on The Tam Fam: The Problem with PraiseTheTamFamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02218298599179687258noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3898391600279544244.post-63542269302713743692011-04-17T14:32:09.050-03:002011-04-17T14:32:09.050-03:00If you ever got to take Dr. Robinson's class-a...If you ever got to take Dr. Robinson's class-any of them!-he touches on this subject. In fact, I'm always amazed at how the G.A.'s talks go right along with the research and experience I learned in my classes. Anyways, it's true. Don't every say "Good job." Instead you should say "You did it!" Especially with self esteem development, to look at it another way. For example, maybe they DIDN'T do a good job. So they are not going to know they need any improvement if everything is "good job" and there is no constructive criticism. As they get older they will realize that really it wasn't such a good job and then there are trust issues and self-esteem issues. So for example, when they make their bed for the first time and it's pretty messy, you say, "Wow! You did it! Now let me show you how to tuck in the corners." Children are smart. They know when they don't do as good of a job, so you need to be honest with them.<br />Also, when you praise them, like Becca said, do it not only when they do a task, but even when they aren't because they feel the worth of "being" like you said. This actually helps them want to keep being that way and make good choices and try their best.<br />But you may know all this already from your extensive reading! I'm going to check out that book Valerie suggested!Melodyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882785416922878363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3898391600279544244.post-23501557464364740752011-04-12T13:16:09.448-03:002011-04-12T13:16:09.448-03:00Becca, you reminded me of one more thing I wanted ...Becca, you reminded me of one more thing I wanted to put in my post on praise: that expressing sincere appreciation is always good! Never harmful! Praise is harmful just like you said, when it is done with intent to mold another person's behavior. Like how parents might say "good job" just to get kids to do something, rather than uttering the phrase an expression of genuine pleasure in the kid's accomplishment. And there are a lot more criteria to insure praise is "good" rather than "bad" but I don't want to write a whole book here on my post about it. <br /><br />I think I grew up with the opposite problem as you: my grandparents especially gave a lot of positive reinforcement to me which turned me into a bit of a praise junkie--I remember as a kid doing a lot of things primarily so I could get rewarded/praised rather than just for the internal joy of doing something. I still feel like I am the kind of person who "fishes" or seeks out praise when I wish I was more the type to serve just because I want to. So yes, a fine line. I agree your parents are great. ;) And I'll have to clarify that I too think my parents and grandparents are wonderful and I'm glad they gave me such a good upbringing overall. But conscious parenting entails examining the way we were raised, and trying to keep just the best parts, so here I go with all my efforts to analyze.TheTamFamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02218298599179687258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3898391600279544244.post-42928101631392465892011-04-12T09:26:35.046-03:002011-04-12T09:26:35.046-03:00I too have been thinking a lot about praise. It is...I too have been thinking a lot about praise. It is such a fine line that we walk. My parents are wonderful people, but they did not give us praise when I was a child (and still don't much). I don't know that it was a parenting choice, but probably more just their personalities. I remember though feeling like I never pleased them, that they were not proud of my accomplishments. I would be elated about something I accomplished, until my parents did not seem as ecstatic, and then I began to feel it was not good enough. When I was in my teens, if I overheard them saying how "proud they were" of something I had done, I did not believe it, or wondered why they would not tell me those things. I eventually began to feel that nothing I did would ever be good enough to get a "good job" or such from them, and wondered why I should even try. <br />I think the key is not to use praise and rewards to sway a child's actions, but as a way to share in their joy that they already feel. Follow the childs cues and rejoice with them, using praise in the way you quoted from GC, and not as a tool to get our children to live just to please us.<br />(I do love my parents, and they are great people, and I turned out okay.....and I am sure those who were praised turned out okay too....I just don't want the thought that I dislike my parents being out there.)Beccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02996599418184563451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3898391600279544244.post-43821188837192478832011-04-11T19:47:08.869-03:002011-04-11T19:47:08.869-03:00Excellent summary, Courtney; thank you for remindi...Excellent summary, Courtney; thank you for reminding me of Elder Robbins talk. Recently, I checked out a book by McKay Hatch, titled, "The NO Cussing Club." McKay is a fruit of parenting gone right. In reading his book, I discovered that his parents (Brent and Phelecia Hatch) previously team wrote a book called, "Raising a G-Rated Family in an X Rated World." I also like their parenting tips.Valeriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12152357025186690440noreply@blogger.com