Ever have that sinking feeling as you make a comment, when the thoughts that feel brilliant in your heart fail to emerge from your mouth as intended? I have these moments frequently as I attend courses here at university. Sometimes the disappointed feeling with my class comments lingers into the night, and I keep myself awake with repeated admonitions in my mind: "This is what I
really meant to say." Of course I try to stop obsessing and figure the moment is past--so it does no good to rehearse what I wish I would have said, right?
Perhaps not; perhaps those anxiety-filled rehearsals have some benefit afterall. During the second day of class this semester, I made a comment that fit the above-paragraph's description. It left me troubled for weeks, during which time I formulated the exact words I wished I would have said. I even rehearsed the speech to my husband. "See?" I complained. "Why couldn't it have just come out that way in the first place?" He gave me encouraging feedback, and I felt mollified, but figured the moment to use those brilliant words would never come.
But it did. Yesterday, the exact topic that had left me with a verbal fumble months ago rose again in class discussion. My heart sprang into action, pumping the words I wished I would have said straight to my brain. My hand rose in the air, and with a perfection that only comes through practice, I delivered the message intended. My words flowed with precision, art, and poise. My teacher wrote my comment on the board, asking the class to contemplate it in preparation for where future discussion would go. I felt triumphant, strong. My feet marched a victor's stride out the classroom door and I thanked God for my neurotic, rehearsal-prone brain.
So Jerry decided to make a break for it and quit his job. He plans to return to full-time schooling for a bit of a career change--afterall in his own words, he's "not getting any younger," and we have decided it is an important goal for him to be able to get employment that is both gainful and personally fulfilling. Thankfully in the time since we graduated from college a few years back, we have been blessed to be able to pay off our student loans and build enough savings that we feel the freedom to make this move. It honestly feels like a miracle and biggest blessing that we have such opportunities and joy in life. My parents have also been a big help in giving us the courage to have Jerry in school full-time, since they are letting us move in with them for the year that Jerry will take to complete his program. Perfect timing since my little brother enters the MTC in December and his bedroom will be available...=) We are happy to let Lo Lo spend at least some of his toddlerhood surrounded by extended family.
Jerry has been accepted to Boise State University, starting classes in January 2012. After one year he will be able to take the CPA exam and ultimately make his career something in the field of accountancy. Hooray for change! After this move to Boise, we will have moved SIX times since our marriage just FOUR years ago, with more than half of those moves being interstate. Life is crazy but good. 