Nursery

Here is a video of that Lo playing in the hall at church last Sunday. Lucky Jerry got to take care of that Lo all three hours while I escaped to nursery. And maybe we should have just kept Lo home from church, as you may be thinking after reading this post. I guess it was one of those borderline cases...

One of my first callings (responsibilities) at church was to be a nursery leader. I felt at first as though I'd become doomed to spend every Sunday babysitting a handful of rugrats while all the other grown people at church got to enjoy uplifting classes and learn wonderful gospel knowlege. After a couple weeks I came crying to my mom about my sad situation. And she completely helped me have an attitude adjustment. Good ol moms.

She helped me come up with some goals and a schedule to give structure and meaning to each day at nursery. The goals were simple:

1. Each child would love coming to church (and look forward to nursery instead of crying when their parents dropped them off).



2. The children and me would feel the Spirit of God through a meaningful lesson each week.

There were a few sub-goals that helped achieve these ends, but overall we just kept a simple routine in the classroom, having some freeplay, snacks, music, lesson, activity, and story time. I ended up developing a deep love for those toddlers in nursery, and they truly did blossom while I served them. My testimony of the importance of nursery grew even more when I attended a stake leadership meeting where the speaker talked about how readily young children learn of Christ, but how easy it is for them to fall away during their teen years if they have not already learned to have a testimony of their own by then. It became my personal mission to help each of my nursery kids get their own testimonies of the reality of Jesus Christ and His power in their lives. I have an (appropriate) sort of pride when I think back on magnifying that calling.

When my Lo became an avid walker at 9 months of age, I soon found myself thinking, "this kid is too old for sitting through my 'grown up' classes each Sunday." And waiting until he was 18 months old to send him to nursery seemed an impossible eternity away. During the last General Conference, I prayerfully listened for inspiration on what to do to help Lo Lo have more meaningful times at church. It wasn't just me wanting to get more out of my own classes; I wanted HIM to get more out of church than just a feeling of frustration that he had to have three straight hours of quiet stationary play. I wanted him to have those same goals that I'd developed for my nursery kids a few years back: a love of church, and feeling the Holy Spirit at church.

During General Conference, I had the inspiration to order the most current nursery manual for myself. I decided that I would begin studying it and see what I could do to implement some of the ideas in it for our church times. But God had something better in store...He asked me to work in the nursery! And I get to bring that Lo! Even though my sweet baby has a few months to go before he is technically "nursery aged," he has benefited a lot from getting to come to nursery each Sunday. And I have been having honestly the most fun ever serving in this calling. I love preparing the lessons and practicing on that Lo during the week, and reviewing with him after Sunday has passed. I love getting to know the other kids and parents, and truly I do feel the Holy Spirit each Sunday at church.

I tried to edit out one of the faces because I wasn't sure how that girl's parents felt about her photo being online. The other kids all appear on their family public blogs using real names & places, so I am hoping it is ok to post. By the way, this isn't even our whole nursery. If everybody attends, there are eight kids, and in another few months, we'll have one more graduating into the 18 mo. or older club, so that will make nine! Keeps us on our toes sometimes, but they are all really sweet kids. =)

Last Sunday, that Lo had diarrhea right before we went to church. The nursery rule is that kids should stay out if they have any type of illness symptoms, unless the parents are certain the symptoms are due to allergies or teething, etc. I wasn't sure if Lo's diarrhea was due to teething, since he had been drooling/chomping his hand a lot lately. But to be safe, I had Jerry take that Lo during church while I stayed in nursery. When they found out why I had not allowed Lo to come to nursery that day, a couple of the parents of other nursery kids said, "Oh, we never pay much attention to those rules." I was horrified. I said awkwardly, "well, I do hope you'll try." But wow, now I feel nervous about Lo Lo coming to nursery. It is sort of the germiest place in the church, come to think of it. We wash the kids' hands before they eat, and sanitize their table, but cannot possibly police all the toys that go in mouths, etc.

So here is my plea to parents everywhere: do NOT bring your sick child to nursery. As difficult as it may be to take a toddler to an adult class, or hang out with your kid in the hallway while everybody else in the church gets to learn great stuff, just do what you need to do to be a good citizen. And consider getting yourself a copy of the nursery manual, so maybe you could do a lesson or two with your child on your own while they are sick home from nursery. I promise you will BOTH feel the Spirit of God and be edified.

Goals for 2011

Theme for 2010:

"Come what may and love it"

I did okay. Made a plaque with this phrase on it to hang in the bedroom, and it helped me be more serene amid challenges many a time over the past year. Still find I have a tendency to complain when my plans go awry...but anyway, moving on...

Theme for 2011:

"More diligent and concerned at home"

I really want to be a better wife, mother, and daughter.

Goals to assist that theme:
1. Establish/teach a routine for that Lo & me. More to come on as I figure it out! I've started reading a couple more parenting books for ideas. And if anybody else who has parented toddlers has ideas for how to spend the hours in the day, please feel free to share.
2. Index 200 names each...month? I actually have not done enough indexing to even know what would be a valid amount for me. But I want to start doing it regularly. Something to add meaning to my days.
3. Read the New Testament. This one is sort of a given goal, since we are studying the New Testament this year in Sunday School. I will follow the schedule for the class.
4. Study the Book of Mormon daily. I still need to make this one happen earlier in the day so it is higher quality study.
5. Record a daily entry in my spiritual journal. Often this would come from my scripture study, but I also want to focus more on remembering/recording the Lord's hand in my life.
6. Journal weekly. The blog is a good outlet to record common joys, or reach out for a type of social connection (comments are always comforting). But my journal is best for more personal musings and reflections and I've found it has slipped over the past year.
7. Attend temple quarterly. This was our goal last year, and it seems good to repeat because we felt it stretched us but was achievable. Jerry made the goal, but I came short because of forgetting my temple recommend when we went to the Hong Kong temple...! Anyway, really hope to make it happen in 2011.
8. No refined sugar at home. I've done the 100% no refined sugar rule before, and it was highly beneficial for my emotional/physical health. But sugar is just so fun. I love getting an occasional milkshake for date night, or tasting a cookie at a church function, etc. But if it is in the house, I find myself reaching for sugary treats as a quick energy fix too often. Which then backfires on me when I experience my frequent "after sugar crash." So we just aren't going to buy any refined sugars (if people bring us a goodie plate or something, I wouldn't boycott it). It has worked well so far. I ate no sugar since January 1st and noticed an almost immediate improvement in my mood and median energy levels. Today at a baby shower, since it was out of our home, I ate half a cinnamon roll and two (smallish) blueberry muffins. My first "sugar" in over a week. I think this system will work as it won't make me feel deprived as I did at times during the 100% rule and it is easier to control my intake with other people around. Accountability, you know.

Well, that's it for goals for now. I am commencing reading of Rubin's Happiness Project for book club meeting later this month, and it will probably influence my resolutions. I'll update as it comes.

Goal Checkup

Here are a few thoughts on how my goals have gone, now that we are a month into the new year.

1. That Lo and me are doing okay with our routine. Observe smiley kid in photo above, having plenty of fort-building playtime. But we need more socializing. Once a week playgroup isn't cutting it. Especially when Lo naps long (like today) and we end up missing playgroup (which is happening this very minute...boo).

2. I indexed 50 names so far, but that is only according to the counter device on the computer. Actually, I think I only indexed 1o names. And then had a bunch of blank spots. I am feeling a lot of worry about this indexing game, sort of like I might be making a ton of mistakes without realizing it. I have only the faintest idea how to index, even after taking the online tutorial. Lost, lost, lost. Scared, scared, scared. Where is the Spirit of Elijah when I need it.

3. Reading the New Testament is a delight. I had forgotten how much I love these first-hand accounts of the Savior's walk through mortal life. Beautiful. After getting a calling in the nursery a few weeks ago (hooray!) I ditched the Sunday School schedule, so now I have been reading a chapter of the New Testament each day, just going straight through. Currently on Matthew ch. 16. I read it online because the lds.org site helps me look up more of the footnotes and they have been adding a lot to my study.

4. Daily Book of Mormon study is happening, though some days it has only been a short few verses with that Lo. On my better days, I've used this scripture study time to do topic studies on whatever I feel needs work in my life.

5. Record daily entry in spiritual journal. Yes! This one has been going so much better than last year, and it really does add to my scripture study to look for personal revelation to put in the journal. I've done entries 25 days so far this year...not perfect, but doing fine.

6. Journal weekly: I've averaged at least an entry per week, but one time during the past month went 9 days without writing. Room to improve. I've heard it is harder to do weekly goals than daily, because weekly is more easily forgotten. True, true. But anyway, I'm sticking with the weekly goal and will just try to at least journal every Sunday night to help me remember it in the schedule.

7. Attend temple quarterly. We signed up to go on the stake bus trip to the temple in a couple weeks. I feel a bit nervous how it will go because of the long day traveling, and not having as much control over our stopping schedule--what to do when that Lo needs a break...but I'm having faith it will be a good experience overall.

8. No refined sugar at home: well, could be doing better. I made the mistake of hanging onto some Christmas candy instead of throwing it away, and then during my moments of weakness it was too accessible. And one time we forgot the goal while grocery shopping, with Jerry buying hot chocolate, and me tossing a new kind of candy bar into the cart. But anyway, I'm doing better than before I had the goal, so that is moving in the right direction.

9. Adding a goal of studying one talk each day from the latest General Conference. I've done it pretty consistently over the past couple weeks and have felt a real boost in my spirituality. Interesting to note how often the conference talk of the day seems to complement so perfectly whichever chapter I'm reading out of the New Testament. I always feel like the Lord is trying to tell me something.

Life is good. I love goals.

Looking forward to February!

Goal Update

I really like this new idea for me to do a public checkup on a regular (monthly) basis for my 2011 New Year's resolutions. I think it is helping me stay motivated whereas in years past my goals got forgotten more easily.

1. Daily Routine: not doing as much structure now as we did the first month or two. I think the different activities just started to get boring to me. Maybe we need some new ideas to try? We did start a gym/swim class per the suggestion by readers (thanks so much) and it is definitely a weekly highlight. I'm thinking of introducing an art time for each day, since we haven't yet tried playdough or a few other "crafty" things I think that Lo could handle.

2. Indexing: after that initial struggle in January, I was all set to ditch this goal in favor of other genealogical pursuits (such as scanning all the hard copy ancestral photos my mom has sitting around in shoe boxes and file cabinets). But then just a few days ago at church, our stake president requested we each make a goal to index half an hour per week. *sigh* So that's my new goal. Guess I'll have to figure out this indexing thang afterall.

3. Reading the New Testament: I am still enjoying it, though starting to think of using a study guide. Now that I'm through with Matthew and a good portion of Mark, it is starting to sound redundant. So study guide might help me keep a lively interest.

4. Daily Book of Mormon study: too often over the past month my only BoM study was the regular daily study with Jerry. I need a way to incorporate the BoM more into my personal study, rather than just random topic studies. Hmmm...

5. Spiritual Journal: going great. Missed just one day out of all of February.

6. Journal Weekly: yep. Did a few extra entries too.

7. Attend Temple quarterly: we tried to go in February, but Lo's ear infection kept us up all night the day before the stake bus trip we'd signed up for. We have scheduled a temple trip down into March--cross our fingers and pray it happens this time!

8. No refined sugar at home: ugh. I have such issues with this one. Sugar is just connected to the fun times too much. I made valentine cookies to hand out to some of our visiting/home teachees and church classes and neighbors, and of course I ended up eating my fair share of the cookie dough in the process. BUT I am doing better now having made this goal than I used to be a few months ago, so any progress is something to celebrate.

9. Daily talk from most recent GC: I still love this one, but missed a few days in February. I have noticed it makes me less likely to read the current issue of the Ensign, so maybe I'll try making Sundays be Ensign day, and the rest of the week be GC talk days.

10. Adding a goal to do strength exercises twice per week. At our latest wellness check, my numbers were good but the doctor said I could probably stand to increase my muscle tone. =) But Lo Lo SO enjoyed squishing my tummy fat. Now what will he do to entertain himself when my abs get hard?

Goals old and new

I have been basking in a spiritual renewal ever since this weekend's General Conference. I feel more motivated than ever to do good things. I am also glad to start again with my daily reading of a General Conference talk. Faithful readers of this blog may recall I had a New Year's resolution to do such a thing, but about 4-5 months in, I realized my reading of the usual monthly Ensign magazine had dwindled as a result of my focus on the General Conference talks. Anyway, since I had already studied all the most recent conference talks, and the ones from the previous conference before, I ended up just halting that goal for the most part as I focused on enjoying the cover-to-cover reading of the Ensign magazine. But now I'm ready to re-start that daily conference talk goal.

I also have another goal after listening to General Conference this latest time around. I want to memorize scripture verses on a regular basis. Still not sure what verses/how many, but I think I'll focus on relearning the seminary scripture mastery verses. Stay tuned. The reason I want to do this goal is because of Elder Richard G. Scott's talk that promised, "a memorized scripture becomes an enduring friend." After all the moving and ups and downs of my life over the past few years, I feel ready to revisit some stalwart friendships with key scripture verses.

Another goal developed from conference: pray for the prophet and general authorities on a regular basis. This one is a family goal. I feel remiss since we normally only found ourselves praying for these church leaders in the few weeks leading up to each semi-annual conference. President Monson gave a plea in the Sunday Morning session: "Remember me and all the general authorities in your prayers." Jerry and I especially are praying for Elder Robert D. Hales after noticing the transformation he has undergone in the past year. Take a look: October 2010:
October 2011:

Let's all pray for him to continue healing. His talk was touching to me as I realized how much of it must have come from recent spiritual lessons in his own life about having patience in mortal affiction.

Anyway, I could go on and on about all my favorite speakers but I'll just quickly report back how it went with Lo Lo and the Conference Sweets Bowls. For the most part we had to be the ones to point out what the speakers were saying. "Look, did you hear him just say 'Jesus' or 'temples'" etc. but ONE time Lo got excited all on his own when a speaker said "Jesus Christ." He pointed ardently to the treat bowl marked by a picture of the Savior, saying "Jesus, Jesus." We happily doled out an M&M. I can see how this project will be good to use as Lo grows through childhood. Lo Lo was also happy to join with saying all the "amens" and watched intently the first two speakers in the priesthood session on Sunday morning. We viewed it as a family because Jerry did not go to the broadcast the night prior.

I hope General Conference was as uplifting and fulfilling for you all as it was for us. Now lets all go and be changed for the better because of what we have heard and learned.

March, the Month of Misfortune and now happy to be Moving ON

Welp, it's that time of the month where I reflect yet again on how the New Year Resolutions are going... And I have to just sum it up: March was not my favorite. We almost doubled our monthly spending on irregular expenses, like car repairs and doctor/dentist bills, had persistent winter weather and more sickness than I care to admit (seriously, why do I feel ashamed about getting sick? like I should have more life skills than to allow something like illness to strike me/my family?) I don't want to dwell on negatives or sound whiny, but feel compelled to give some sort of explanation to myself about why I fell off the bandwagon in a few key areas of my goals. Indexing: tried to happen but computer died followed by brand new laptop getting water dumped on it. Daily routine: fell apart as sickness after sickness graced our home (at one point, that Lo was so fed up with his stomach flu, he just reverted to subsisting on wholly breastmilk for about a week straight and I didn't realize when his diarrhea subsided because when he got over his sickness, his poops had already turned into that liquid newborn type poop) (tmi?); we did institute more social time by signing up for library story time and YMCA gym/swim but because of aforementioned sickness even getting out for that socializing was sporadic. Scripture study: was just ok...missed a few days and again blaming the persistent illnesses. No refined sugar at home...um, actually I cannot recall messing up too much on this one, though I did bring home a pack of Hershey bars when they were on sale (50 cents for 6 regular sized Hershey Bars?!) and Husby and me made chocolate covered strawberries with them. And shared with the neighbors so we didn't eat excessive amounts. Strength Training twice weekly: um, see above notes on sickness. Exercise didn't happen much. Attend Temple Quarterly: we made it!! YEAH!! It was a huge ordeal as usual, involving that poor Lo screaming in his carseat on the drive home for about a half hour straight. But it was a revelatory experience to spend time worshipping in the House of the Lord. Totally worth putting our baby through a day of compromised sleep routine. Daily talk from GC: did ok. Missed a few days, but still, this one is my favorite goal and it feels like a TREAT most times I pick up that conference Ensign. So maybe March wasn't so bad. But I'm still looking forward to getting on to a new month. Hooray for April. And hooray for General Conference which is TODAY and TOMORROW! Hope you all tune in.

General Conference

Every October and April, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a world-wide broadcast conference. We tuned in to all four sessions over this past Saturday and Sunday. If you missed any of it, look it up at http://www.lds.org/. You can listen to the most recent conference using MP3, and later will be able to access video and text archives. Every speaker brings a feast of wisdom, hope, and spiritual strength. Here are a few points from one "Tam Fam Favorite:"

Elder L. Tom Perry, pictured above, shared some intimate stories from his earlier years. During a period when he faced struggles in employment and his wife was deathly ill, he identified with Henry David Thoreau in seeking spiritual strength through a simplified lifestyle. During this trial, the Perrys would either walk around Walden Pond together, or if Sister Perry's energy waned too much on a given day, the two sat on their car amid the calming pond scene and reflected together.

We have goals to have a simplified lifestyle through following Elder Perry's counsel. He said Thoreau's basic "four needs" could be examined in a spiritual sense:

1. Food: Get regular exercise, quality sleep, and eat a healthy diet; remain free from harmful addictions. Elder Perry cited Doctrine & Covenants 88-89 and the For Strength of Youth pamphlet. The Tams have renewed the goal to get to bed early! Of course we are already impeccable with regards to diet and exercise...

2. Shelter: Let provident living touch your housing plans. Courtney put this plan into effect right away, by picking up a free wall hanging at Deseret Book Store's ladies' night event. Our living room furniture and decor now totals a $20 expenditure overall, and feels rather complete.

3. Clothing: Very casual dress almost always leads to casual manners. Profound to consider how modesty is more than just covering up. We will strive to have gracious actions and speech.

4. Fuel: Spiritual fuel comes through acquiring knowledge of God's plan and surrendering to His will. We build our spiritual reserves daily through prayer as a family, studying the scriptures together, and working to follow the promptings of our inner moral compass.

The rest of the story

Just in time for Little Tam turning one month of age...the absurdly long, much hyped, over-anticipated birth story! And some BOP warning for those who care about that sort of thing.

Preliminaries

Halloween: a few days past Little Tam's EDD. I wakened at my usual insomniac 4am, and a bit later did a webcam conference with our Hong Kong family, then had a full day of fun at the zoo, forest park, duck pond, went shopping, got my hair cut, and finished the day with an evening at our friends’ home. While at our friends’ house carving pumpkins and passing out candy to trick or treaters, I felt exhausted and noticed occasional abdominal cramping but thought nothing of it. When my sweetheart and I returned home, we quickly prepared for sleep.

Early First Stage

As soon as I showered and tried to lay down, my cramping turned into a regular, systematic occurrence. The waves felt mildly uncomfortable, like the low belly ache I sometimes have felt with menstruation. It was interesting enough that I could not fall asleep through it. I told my husband it felt different than anything I had felt thus far in the pregnancy, and I thought this could be “it.” When I asked him to start timing the pressure waves, we both realized we were not sure exactly how to do it. After all our rehearsing! Were we supposed to time beginning of one to beginning of another? Or just the space between the end of one and the beginning of another? Duration meant what....? Oh dear. To add to the confusion, we also realized half my hypnosis scripts were still only on CD. We had wanted to transfer them all to MP3 files on my phone, so I could listen more easily in the car and at the hospital (the only way we have to play CDs is on our computer). So my husband went to do the transfer and I struggled to stay focused on my own, a bit perturbed with myself for not taking care of these little issues earlier. For a couple hours I listened to the hypnosis scripts. I do not recall which scripts I listened to—perhaps “birthing day,” even though I doubted this was truly my birthing time. I don’t know what I expected to feel, but mild menstrual cramping apparently wasn’t what I had imagined.

1:30 am-We telephoned our doula, Kathy. I remember feeling quite embarrassed, apologizing for waking her at such a terrible hour, and repeating, “I just don’t know if this is the real thing, but it feels different from what I felt any other time in this pregnancy…Oh, I don’t know!” She told me she was on her way. She had arrived 10 minutes late for the last birth she attended, missing the actual birth entirely, so we didn’t want to take any chances of her missing our sweet Little’s grand entrance. If we had known he would not be born until another thirty hours later, we would have told Kathy to take her time. =)

While Kathy drove from Connecticut (about an hour and a half away from us), my husband took a nap. Because of daylight savings taking effect that night, his phone automatically changed back one hour coincidentally during his nap. When he woke, he looked at the time on his phone and said, “Wait. Did I just sleep for two minutes only?” (in reality he slept for 1 hr 2 mins) I still smile about that. While he napped I got more comfortable and kept relaxing through the pressure waves (which were about every ten minutes apart). I ate some cottage cheese and tried to be diligent about drinking water as well. Once Kathy arrived I felt greatly reassured as her expertise and assistance helped me get more into the groove with my hypnosis. With each pressure wave, Kathy would massage my back and my sweet husband would recite portions of the scripts. I remember most hearing him say over and over again, “Your cervix is soft and dilating quickly.” As hours passed that night, I caught myself smiling through many of the pressure waves and feeling increasingly confident and happy. I made a lot of moaning type of vocalizations because it helped me focus and felt good.

Around 6 am?: pressure waves were five minutes apart and lasting one minute each. When we called the midwife, she recommended, "take a hot shower, and then if the waves are still that regular and frequent, call back." During the shower my husband kept timing the waves. They got less intense feeling while I was in the shower, with the waves becoming subdued and feeling as only a faint abdominal pressure. But they also got more closely spaced—four minutes apart now. The midwife said I could come to the birth center. While I walked into the birth center from the parking lot, I had several pressure waves, and with each one, I simply stopped walking to breathe through it. During one pressure wave, I knelt against the birth ball, and for another, leaned on a hand rail. Kathy and Jerry assisted as usual, and the two nurses who were walking with us into the building remarked on how impressed they were with our whole routine. When the midwife did an internal exam around 8am, my cervix was dilated to a 7. I felt triumphant and excited. One of the nurses said he had seen hypno births before, but mine seemed to be going exceptionally well. I agreed. I was eager to get in the birthing pool, but the midwife said she wanted to see me progressed a bit further. After awhile she checked me again and I was dilated to an 8. Around this time I had a hep lock put in for administration of antibiotics (I was GBS positive). In retrospect, I wish I had listened to a “change of plans” script for this procedure, because I felt some internal conflict about the concept of intrapartum antibiotics. I also had an IV several years ago, and remembered intensely disliking the feeling of an IV in my hand. My hypnosis wasn’t as effective to numb my hand as I would have like it to be. Again, I think listening to that “change of plans” script would have helped my brain accept and feel comfortable with the IV at this point.

Pausing Point

My doula, my husband, and I walked around the hospital grounds for a bit. As it was Sunday morning, a local church near the hospital had bells chiming. They delighted me. Overall at this time, I felt light and happy in my heart. I had quite a few intense pressure waves very closely spaced during the walk. I remember feeling like they came one on top of the other, with no chance to rest in between. When we returned from the walk, I got in the birth pool. I joked and smiled, ate ice cream and just generally felt like a queen. However, part way through my pool time the nurses had to attach my hep lock to the IV for another dose of antibiotics. The procedure distracted me from feeling comfortable in the water, and additionally the tub sides ended up being hard plastic and not as easy to relax against as I had imagined. My pressure waves almost stopped entirely while I was in the water, and I began to feel intense exhaustion after being awake for so many hours. I announced my intentions of taking a nap. The midwife said she would like to do an internal exam first, and when she found I was still only dilated 8 cm, she said I needed to stay up and moving around. She was concerned that I had not progressed for a few hours. I felt disappointed at her verdict, and again, was starting to feel sleep deprivation creeping up on me. My midwife’s concern sparked a bit of fear in my heart. She told me this stalled labor was a complication and began discussing changes that needed to be made to my birth plan. Again, a “change of plans” script would have been valuable at this point!! But we did not do it yet, I suppose because having never read this script, I did not realize how appropriate it would have been.

I got pretty upset when the second time the antibiotic was administered, it wasn’t mixed with saline (or whatever they do to make it feel less intense). My hand became puffy like a balloon, fingers unbendable, and it throbbed horribly. I asked to have the hep lock removed after the dose of antibiotic was finished and the request was denied because of safety reasons. I did a fear release session and realized my #1 fear was conflict with my midwife. We had only met once before the birth. I felt very uncomfortable with how we communicated with each other.

Late First Stage

I began to suspect the midwife did not accept or encourage my efforts at using hypnosis. For example, she accused me once of being “TOO relaxed,” implying that my comfortable state was part of the problem for why labor had stalled in the first place (as if the labor would start progressing once I got stressed and tense?). Furthermore, she kept forgetting to use the hypnotic language I requested (calling pressure waves “contractions,” etc.). We ended up needing to break my waters, and administer pitocin. After these steps, I was relieved to find the birthing waves resumed with a passion. The waves felt powerful in a way that overwhelmed me at times. I remember going completely limp during one pressure wave, turning my switch to "OFF" but then suddenly felt the wave grow more intense as I relaxed. The increased intensity startled me, so I turned my switch back to "CENTER" and sat up. During transformation (Hypnobabies speak for transition), the sensations rushed up and down my whole body in an indescribable flood of shaking, chills, vomiting, and so forth. I do not recall feeling pain during this time, but rather just feeling satisfied when I finally threw up. The vomit was pink and chunky because I had recently eaten pizza, scrambled eggs, and cranberry juice. I am thankful the birthing center let me keep eating whatever I wanted all throughout the birthing time.

Pushing

The midwife did another internal exam and as per my request, did not tell me dilation. But later my doula told me I was a 9 at that point. During pushing, I felt a little confused about when I was having a pressure wave, because it felt like they were happening constantly. I ended up needing to rub the palm of my hand over my belly to discern the changes in firmness on abdominal surface that would tell me when a wave came. Contrary to my birth plan, the midwife directed my pushing (“You do much better laying down,” she kept saying), but at that point in the birth I had decided to just do whatever she wanted in order to reduce the feeling of conflict that had so disturbed me earlier in the day. She did internal monitoring for the last half of pushing, pulled/turned my baby’s head as he crowned, and had the umbilical cord cut right away rather than waiting a few minutes for it to stop pulsating (though she did let my husband cut the cord). Again, I felt some dismay when each of these interventions happened, but consciously chose to let the annoyances slide. I just wanted to keep the peace with my midwife for the time being, figuring that was the way I could most easily focus on birthing my baby. It had taken a lot of emotional strength out of me to have earlier discussions with the midwife.

Near the time my Little Tam crowned, the midwife told me since there was meconium when my waters broke, I would not be able to hold the baby immediately if he emerged without crying. She said if he was not crying, he needed to be checked by a pediatrician right away. Again, I chose to just nod and not even discuss the issue. But I started praying fervently in my heart that the baby would come out crying loud and clear, so I would be allowed to hold him. As I pushed, I sometimes glanced at the clock and said things like, "I do not know how much longer I can keep going," because I felt such intense exhaustion. Off and on, the thought crossed my mind that if I took medication, I would be able to sleep. But I simultaneously had the thought that my baby could be born any minute, so I would just hang in there and keep going. I felt so tired, and wanted to sleep but still kept focused on my goals. We had the hypnosis script playing out loud in the room for most of the birth, and flashes of it reached me when I needed them most; statements like, "I am grateful for my caregivers." Though my eyes saw the clock, my brain never registered what time it was. Afterward, when I heard the pushing lasted 3 hours, I sincerely felt disbelief. It felt like somewhere between 15-30 minutes to me. My husband kept telling me, "with every push our baby gets a little closer!" I felt so encouraged, but a few days after the birth he told me he was lying: "Many of your pushes didn't seem to be doing anything." Haha. My sweet husband also helped by holding out a straw for me to sip drinks of juice and water in between every push.

I often made a purposeful low register groan while pushing, in order to encourage my throat/bottom track to stay open. I was very conscious and intentional throughout the entire pushing stage. Vocalizing brought me a sense of power, and again, I do not recall feeling pain at this point of the birth, though when the midwife stretched/massaged my perineum toward the end I told her, "OOOKay, now THAT hurts." It caught me by surprise.

Once my baby's head came out, the rest of his body slid quickly after. He had been holding his fist up against his head, in a superman pose, which might have been part of the reason it took so long to get him through the birth canal. My prayers that I would be able to hold him right away were answered when upon entering the world he immediately started screaming, a beautifully strong sound. I reached and pulled him up to my chest. "Baby!" My husband began weeping, and together we inspected our child, marveling at all his perfect little parts. Baby and I got to cuddle a bit with blankets over us, but it seemed like all too soon he was taken away to be checked by the pediatrician. After being checked and cleaned up a bit he was returned to me.

A few hours after his birth, the staff noticed respiratory distress and he was sent to a neighboring hospital's NICU since the birth center wasn't equipped to handle an infection like his. The next day when I discharged and joined him at that location, I was told by a doctor, "you and your baby are not a priority," because apparently Little Tam wasn't THAT sick, and the hospital was overflowing beyond capacity. But I needed help figuring out breastfeeding, and felt like even if we were all physically stable, I was mentally in need of being made a priority. So I found myself in tears, and when that doctor came back a bit later and saw me crying he asked, "what happened?" With a surge of hormonal indignation I told him, "Oh, I don't know; maybe I just had a baby?!" My husband reminded me to be polite, and a lactation consultant was soon sent our way. Breastfeeding since then has been a highlight of motherhood for me. While we at first felt discouraged that we could not take our baby home right away, it became apparent there were a lot of silver linings to us getting to stay in the hospital with him. Primarily, it gave us new parents easy access to a team of doctors and nurses who demonstrated all the tricks to caring for a newborn. By the time we came home with Little Tam a week later, we felt confident in how to care for him. Also, prior to our baby entering NICU, I had been snobbish about the use of pacifiers and bottles, figuring they were tools of the devil to thwart my efforts at breastfeeding. Now however, I realize they are great! They certainly have not hindered breastfeeding like I originally feared they might, and instead can be used to comfort Little when I am not with him.

To recap birth stats: 8 lbs. 4 oz., 21 inches, born at 6:28 AM on November 2, 2009. Including daylight savings, we were awake for over 50 hours, and labor lasted 30-something hours?

One month after the birth, we are happy and thriving. Stats from well child checkup today: 23 inches long, 11 lbs, head circumference 38 cm. He is in approx. the 75th percentile for length and weight, and the 50th percentile for head size. Proud of our beautiful boy.